How Was My Christmas

as expected... it was the same as the previous christmas i had in the past.. it was like just some ordinary day... so ordinary that nobody in the house even greeted each other.. i guess everybody in the house has gone use to this..

around 11pm of the 24th, since i know that there wont be any noche buena celebration happening (although me and my mom prepared food just incase somebody wanted to eat), i decided to lock myself up my room. its the same thing i did before. i lock myself up in my room with a bottle of wine, some cigars, 2 pills of v's and my ipod... i tried to just reminisce and think of happy thoughts, hoping that somehow the emotion that's slowly making my tears fall would be supressed... while sipping wine, i was composing personal messages to people who are on my contacts on my phone... i made sure that each message is personalized to give a personal touch to it... i just hoped that everybody got my sms and that they realized that it was a personal text, not some custom mades..

as i send all of the messages i compose, i was already getting tipsy. the wine has already started hitting my head. it felt good. i felt like the alcohol was drowning my emotions away. i felt my tears drawing back to my tear glands....

but as soon as i felt myself and realized that i was happily drunk on my own and in my own room.. my phone started beeping like crazy.. most people whom i texted started replying with all these christmas wishes and greeting and as i read each message, i realized that i was fooling myself with what i was doing....

then.. it started drilling me.. slowly, like a snake crawling... my tears stars falling from eyes...
i was not at all happy with how i was celebrating christmas... i was all alone... i was drunk.. i felt so devastated.. i didnt know what to do...

i tried to compose myself and stop myself from thinking because i know there's no use in crying when these events had happened in the past... i told myself "i should've gone used to celebrating christmas like these"... but there's something in the messages that is telling me that everything is wrong...

i know it is, but what can i do if we do not celebrate christmas at all.. i told myself i am used to it.. but why was i crying that night..

i tried so hard to keep myself composed for i was afraid that people at home who were asleep might wake up and hear my crying the hell out of me... i didnt know what to do...

i went down to our sala and decided to phone one special person.. i didnt think it was the best thing to do because i might be ruining his happy christmas celebrating... but still i did call him..
i bursted out.. i was crying so hard.. he made me let it all out and i am so thankful that he listened to me...

when i was already calmed down.. i realized once more that i might be distracting him from spending time with his family so i decided to put the phone right after i thanked him for listening to me..

i felt so alone on christmas eve.. but what the heck.. its been like that for years.. we don't even have a christmas tree at home not even a single christmas light... maybe soon we'll get to celebrate it again, when as a family we're happy again.. when that time will come? i don't know.. but i sure know what will make us start celebrating christmas again.....when we can be happy as a family agaian...

....but i guess for now, let it be like these. anyway, its just one day of the year....
Merry Christmas to everybody!

do not pity me... because though I am experiencing stuff like these, they are making me stronger and better as a person.. and i guess thats a great christmas gift... am i right!?

again... Maligayang Pasko to everybody!!!